| I don't know why today |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | Some new digs. | ] |
I need to find myself.
Things have been different. Things haven't been bad or good, exactly. However, that is not to say that I am not content. I am content, I think. Content on what? Content on mediocrity. Content on being.
Since my last update: I've become good friends with Kaveh Akbar and Brigitte Malwin.
Brian-Keith Hensley is now a roommate of mine. He's loud, narcissistic, perpetually drunk, and even sets The Gays back 15 years. But dammit, I love him.
I've been bored a lot lately. But it's like, even when things are happening, I'm bored. It's weird. It sucks.
I have started this medication that helps me focus. Strattera. When I take it, it feels like my stomach starts bleeding. I'm also on Cymbalta and Xanax. Look at me, I'm a real boy! Being on medication used to bug me, not so much anymore. Fucking everyone is on the shit, and if they're not, give them 5 years. The only thing is, my mind is fogged. Confusion is constantly nigh.
Livejournal makes me feel like a dumb, scattered, teenage cunt.
Oh, there I am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|09:30 pm] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  crushed | ] |
I don't know if I was surprised or not.
I still hate bad news though. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|12:37 am] |
| [ | I Feel |
| | recumbent | ] |
Even though i am drunk(ish) and even though i know it's completely trite, i just want you to be happy.
I dont care about me. But you.. be happy.
I love people. I hate me.
This is a good post. |
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| My New Place |
[Aug. 14th, 2007|10:37 am] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  content | ] |
i already feel at home. i like it here. |
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| Things I Bought Today (In Order) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2007|01:39 am] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  sleepy | ] |
1 bag of chili cheese fritos
1 fountain drink (powerade)
3 Spider-man comics (Back in Black series)
1 Hard Candy dvd
1 pair of Skullcandy Ink'd headphones (ear buds)
2 pairs of Square Cut style boxer briefs from The Gap(i highly recommend)
1 Pepsi Stash Can
1 Weeds: Season One dvd
3 Wendy's Frosties
5 orders of Wendy's nuggets.
12 hushpuppies (one order)
1 box of the crunchy things from LJS
5 McDonalds medium fries
11 McDonalds cheeseburgers
1 Samsung 32" high definition tv
1 month of rent at my apartment |
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| A Bigger Meaning |
[Jul. 28th, 2007|07:03 am] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | The Early November | ] |
It's time to look at things for what they are.
And not the best storyline. |
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| fuck anyone's comments... i dont need them |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|07:10 am] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  realistic | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | some shitty band | ] |
this is the sloppiest and worst-written post i've ever made. i apologize.
no matter what you say, i know i make people sad.
im constantly realizing new things about myself, none of which are good.
i am turning into the person i dont want to be.
i am sad and lonely, like everyone else.
i feel sorry for myself. why else would i make a sad post, right?
i do love my friends, and i honestly believe they love me too. but im still unhappy, it's not through any fault of their's.
i cant do this anymore.
i will tell you what i want.
first and for most, i want all of my friends to be happy.
i want my mother to feel better... she's like me. she sees no point in anything. it's no good.
i want a significant other; rather, i want to be someone's significant other.
i want to have a family someday. I want Indie Hipster kids who cuss too much and are cultured and accepting of others. If i have a boy, i want him to have a beard(kidding, but it'd be neat) and i want him to not be an asshole. i want to have a daughter. i want my daughter to be different than all the others. I'll discourage cheerleading. I'll do everything in my power to make her not be a cunt.
All of these things I want, all of these things will never happen.
These are the only things i want. happy friends, happy family.
i cant make my friends happy.
i wont ever have a happy family (even of my own).
i love so many things. there is so much beauty. none of it is for me. |
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| Dying Superhero |
[Jul. 9th, 2007|04:46 am] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | silence | ] |
is there anything more tragic?
ive got a killer headache. |
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| Non-Sleeping-Tired-Boy.. fuck that, I'm a Man |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|10:43 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  sleepyface | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | the new Iron & Wine album | ] |
For the reader: Quotes by others will be quoted, quotes by myself will be italicized.
my mom woke me up at 10:30.
"Can you open this can of dog food?"
Just give them cat food.
"Matt. Open it."
I then, remaining with my eyes closed and still laying in bed, tried to use a manual can opener and couldn't succeed.
Here, put the thing on the thing and put it back in my hands.
My mom does exactly what I intended and I open the can.
Will you get me something to drink?
My mother then leaves the room. She arrives a minute or two later with lukewarm, old-tasting water and pills.
"Here take these."
What are they and why?
"Advil PM, it'll knock you out, assuming you want to go back to sleep. They will make you go to sleep with no problem"
Ok.
She then hands me two of the pills.
Will this make it hard for me to wake up?
"Just take one instead of two then"
Mom, I'm an ox. These will have no affect on me.
"You sleep like an ox."
What does that mean? ...Nevermind, whatever.
I then proceed to take the two Advil PMs. And now I'm reallyfuckingtired (which I was before I took said medication) and can't sleep. heh.
Is it weird that my mom just came in and gave me (a poor excuse of) sleeping medicine shortly after waking me?
Maybe I can go back to sleep. I'll figure it out. I am getting sleepier, maybe she was right. My mom just gave me fucking drugs (sort of) to knock me out. Thats what she does when she can't sleep. She's usually passed out due to the irregularly large amount of meds shes on.
Goodnight. Again. (hopefully) |
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| i <3 destroy |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|03:30 pm] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  cynical | ] |
I am the worst kind of human.
I am a stoner. I am the only person I know who considers it self-medication.
I take pills. These actually are medication.
I make others feel bad.
I hate myself, but others believe I am a narcissist, so I must be.
I am tired.
I am not the person I want to be, but I am the person I have become. I have accepted it.
I disappoint everyone.
I burn every possible bridge.
I have given up on happiness. It was a conscious decision.
You should give up on me too.
I am honest. |
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|
| lava monster |
[Jun. 21st, 2007|04:27 pm] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | conor oberst - lava monster | ] |
i blame this town, this job, these friends.
the truth, it's myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2007|09:40 am] |
I get up at 7:30 this morning. I planned on getting up at 9, but I simply couldn't sleep anymore after a night of awkward dreams.
I eat breakfast for the first time since I don't know when. I start studying in my floor's study lounge. I leave to print of some practice problems. I come back to find the words "You Will Fail" written and underlined 3 times on my practice work I had done so far.
Normally, this would make someone give a giant defiant "Fuck You" and give one a certain motivation, making sure that one does not fail;
however, I lose all of mine.
I guess I'm not normal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|02:54 am] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | John Mayer - Another Kind of Green | ] |
I feel like my life is simply devoid of any sort of focus or meaning. I don't feel confident about anything anymore... not that I really was exuberating confidence, ever. My mind is constantly wondering. I should be asleep. I hate going to bed. I hate waking up.
I am desperate. I want to feel safe, but I am simply unable. |
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| Counting Down. |
[Apr. 15th, 2007|09:47 pm] |
| [ | Sound |
| | Keane - A Bad Dream | ] |
20 Days Until Lebanon
20 Days Until No School
20 Days Until Summer
19 Days Until Spider-man 3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2007|08:51 am] |
I need lotion. I need lotion real bad.
also, im insanely thirsty and have zero dollars. |
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| Talking Out Loud Is Just Different |
[Mar. 20th, 2007|10:41 pm] |
| [ | I Feel |
| |  listless | ] |
| [ | Sound |
| | Jason Schwartzman - The West Coast | ] |
I decided that I want to update and write more.
I find that I'm trying too hard to be creative.
It don't think I have it in me. |
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